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Fresh No More

“I can’t believe I just finished a year of college! It feels like just yesterday I was a nervous little 18-year-old saying goodbye to my parents. Oh how time flies!”

It seems like this is all I’ve heard for the last week as each of my friends came to the realization that we’re as close as three years away from living off our own income. And as much as is does feel like the year flew by, the thing that stands out to me is how much happened in the last eight months of my life. It’s absolutely ridiculous. So much happened, in fact, that I am obligated to hand out a long list of awards, all of which are completely fictitious and meaningless, to sum up this first year in college.

So with that awkwardly short introduction over with, here now is the first edition of the SOIBA (School is Over and I’m Bored Already) awards. (And yes, Branson, I’ll try to mention you in my article somewhere.)

The “Tony Delk Scoring 50 Points” Award (Biggest Surprise)

Honorable Mention: Finding out my friend Rob was actually my 3rd cousin, finding out that my friend Jeff read all my columns in a single night, Jamaal Levy coming alive after Rob and I ripped him while sitting right behind his girlfriend

Winner: Successfully talking to the really hot girl from my history class for an estimated 5 minutes at a party (it’s difficult to explain the shock when I found out she knew my name).

(From now on, the phrase “my friend” will be omitted, and you can assume any new people I mention are actually friends of mine, unless they are referred to as something else, such as “this really annoying kid” or “this ass clown.”)

The “Will Ferrell in Old School” Award (Most Drunken Act)

Honorable Mention: Branson doing gymnastics in the hall after 90 minutes of 7-11-doubles, 305-pound Steve Vallos putting on a dancing exhibition at Sigma Pi, my roommate Vince trying to fight the entire Sigma Nu fraternity, fellow football player Dustin Abercrombie attempting a cartwheel in the hall for no apparent reason

Winner: Rob’s entire trip to Virginia Tech. Rob returned from the party around 2:00 am and had somehow lost his shirt. He had also forgotten what dorm he was staying in, so he walked around, sans shirt, asking random people for a place to stay, until another girl finally agreed to let him sleep in her room. Ryan and I frantically searched for him the next day, a search that included a call to the Montgomery County jail. After giving up hope, we returned to the room at 11:45 to find that Rob had finally returned and was lying peacefully asleep without a shirt on one of the beds.

The “Mark from Step by Step” Award (Most Excessive Studier)

Honorable Mention: Ruggz, Frank (the Tank)

Winner: Branson. The same man who managed to earn honorable mention for most drunken act also somehow forced himself into an empty room in Tribble Hall to study, rather than go to any of the last-day-of-class parties, which were several days before any exams. Stunningly, Branson also finished third in the “Most Time Wasted on Tiger Woods Golf” category, behind Steve and Rob.

The Elaine Benis Dance Move of the Year

Honorable Mention: Steve for the “Coach Calhoun Knee Bend Shuffle,” Anders Larson for the “Try to C-Walk Repeatedly,” Jeff for the “Try to Dance with a Girl Normally”

Winner: Izvar from Carolina stuns the overwhelming favorite Jeff in this category by pulling out the rarely-used “Two Hands Behind the Head while Dancing with a Girl” maneuver. Unbelievably, he was able to make a smooth transition to the “One Hand Behind the Head” technique in mid-song, essentially securing him a place in the Goofy White Guys Dancing Hall of Fame.

The Jean Van de Velde Stupidest Move of the Year

Honorable Mention: Anders spitting dip-spit into a plastic bag that eventually leaked all over the place on the way to the Derby, Jeff telling Steve to “have fun dreaming about Cake and Christine,” Chris Barclay stealing the hose from the legally insane Dave Walters

Winner: Chris Barnes attempting to shove Steve following the Wake Forest-Clemson basketball game. Barnes’ friend had been babbling incoherently on the way to the parking lot, forcing Steve to yell “Let’s cool it, there, boss man.” Perhaps it was the extraordinarily degrading term “boss man” that pushed him over the edge, or maybe it was all the times in Stats class that Steve had insulted his pastel shirts. Whatever the reason, Barnes sprinted over to Steve and pushed him in the chest, jolting Steve backwards several centimeters. Steve responded with a savage bear hug, but opted against murdering Barnes in the street, telling him, “You’re not worth it, buddy,” as he released the foolish youth back into the world.

The Chad Rebar “Ahhh Worst Ever” Award (Worst Class)

Distant Second: History 103 with Mr. Williams

Winner: Religion 101 with Ms. Bales. 9 times out of 10, when you combine a divisional class on a subject you have no interest in and a teacher who has never taught before and is terrified of public speaking, then make it an hour and fifteen minutes long, you’re gonna run away with the Worst Class award. As for the 10th time out of 10, that would be the scenario where you also took the class “Getting Hit in the Nuts and Composing Long Prose about It,” which I did not take.

The “High School Yearbook Friendship Ad” Award (Funniest Inside Joke)

Honorable Mention: John Q’doba and the Mohican Spirit, “C’mon man, that’s Ry’s last orange juice,” “J-O-O,” Heat of the Moment

Winner: “Nah man, Bojangles.”

Before I hand out the final award, I’d like to run through a list of other lesser-known awards: Best Top-10 List Making Fun of His Roommate (Steve), Roommates Least Likely to be Separated Next Year (Jeff and Ryan), Most Passionate Theme Song Rediscovered this Year (Last of the Mohicans), Person Who Most Often Insulted Someone Else’s Clothing (Dan Callahan), Most Emaciated Person Who Still Sort-of Has a Gut (Ruggz), Most Awkward Sleeping Positions (Jeff), Most Time Spent in the Lounge Making Sure No One Hears Him Talking to His Girlfriend (Ryan), Most Articles Written for No Reason (Anders Larson).

The “Doesn’t Require a Name” Best Time of the Year

Honorable Mention: Hanging out and playing 7-11 doubles while listening to the symphony on Friday nights, the Trip with Ryan and Rob to Virginia Tech, the end of the year party at UNC, eating at Q’doba every Friday second semester, pissing off Big Tree (and everyone else) by talking ridiculously about Last of the Mohicans with Vince

Winner: Waking up on Saturday mornings, no matter how hung over, and driving with the regulars to Little Richards. Besides simply eating some of the tastiest barbecue around, we typically discussed the previous night’s antics, watched Jeff try to impress the 15-year-old cashier girl, and, of course, laughed as he sat at a separate table facing the wall every week. I never stopped to think about it when I was there, but looking back, I can’t help but think that it really doesn’t get much better than that.

Anders Larson Archive