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Musings of a Man After a Game of Whiffleball

I’ve always wanted to write a column of musings, mainly because the word “musings” seems to be a more professional way of simply saying “thoughts.” However, even as I write, I find myself trying to differentiate between “musings” and “thoughts.” I wrote a “random thoughts” column about three months back on the Humorous Cats, but it didn’t draw a lot of readers, or at least not a whole lot of reader response. Had I included the word “musings” in the title, I feel I could have garnered a few extra readers. Musings seem a bit more important; it’s as if I didn’t just think, but I thought with the intention of writing these thoughts down for an audience. Now if I had named the article “Musings of a Man About to be Involved in the Most Notorious Website Scandal in Mount Tabor History,” readership would have been unprecedented... maybe.

Anyway, I should move on to some musings not involving the word “musing,” the definition of “musing,” or any connotations that come along with the word “musing.” Without further adue...

The question of the week, at least in my mind, is whether or not to give Barry Melrose a 30-minute spot on primetime ESPN once hockey season is over with. Anyone who can effectively use the word “rudy-poo” as a verb AND keep a straight face on national television has some serious ability. Honestly, we knew that Sean Hill knocked over the Red Wings player, we knew he checked him, but did we realize that he had actually “rudy-pooed” him? This is vital information (not to be confused with Vital Information with Lori Beth Denberg, perhaps the worst attempt at sketch comedy in the history of television).

If I had it to do all over again, I wouldn’t change much, but I would include the Lifetime Network in my column “Things That Suck.” Was that station put on the air simply to boost the self-esteem of women after divorce/break-up/other problems with men? Does “Television for Women” technically mean “Television That Should Not Be Watched by a Man for More Than 5 Consecutive Minutes?” Lifetime certainly deserves Honorable Mention at the very least.

I feel this needs to be noted at some point: Bob Segar, who is currently playing on my computer, was once called “The Lynard Skynard of the Midwest” by one of my comrades. The question is, “Does this make any sense whatsoever?” I would like to feel that this statement had some sort of factual base, but I simply can’t see it. Any reader response to this would be appreciated.

I find it incredible how my sense of humor has evolved over the years. More specifically, I find it shocking that I was able to spend 2 hours every Friday night watching shows including “Family Matters,” “Step by Step,” “Hangin’ with Mr. Cooper.” TGIF? TGIDWTA (Thank Goodness I Don’t Watch That Anymore). These shows would be TNBC material nowadays, along with Saved by the Bell: The New Class, Hang Time (don’t get me started on Hang Time – this could be a separate column), and City Guys. Actually, TNBC has a slight edge on the old TGIF shows in the “Sucks Big Time” category.

On a related note, do these shows get their material from sort of quasi-futuristic cheesy sitcom script-producing machine? You can sense the punch-lines coming a mile away. Didn’t they used to show sitcoms to live audiences for the laugh track? You couldn’t make the “Laugh Now” signs big enough for these.

While watching the Tyson-Lewis fight on Saturday, I felt the most intriguing element of the whole presentation was the presence of a second ring announcer. I mean, I don’t watch a whole lot of boxing, but didn’t Michael Buffer used to have this job on lockdown? Didn’t other ring announcers pray to the spirit of Michael Buffer? And now he can’t even fly solo? Oh, how the mighty have fallen.

How exactly do you close a column of musings? There is no distinct flow, no real direction. Where did I begin? Where was I going? Well, this was a musing after a game of whiffleball, so I’ll just close by saying this: I won 11-7. I’m nice.

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