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Nothing

As my roommate Branson pointed out a few days ago, sometimes you just have to write to keep from going insane. And let’s face it, we’re all swimming a lot closer to the deep end than we’d like to think. People do go crazy.

These things happen.

The problem is, there’s nothing in particular I REALLY want to write about. I just pumped out a 1750-word novella on my apartment life, which basically covered the last three weeks of my life. I’m not up on the NFL yet to put anything viable out on that. A college football column is coming, plus probably a “life without football” column, but it just doesn’t feel like the right time for those. When I see Napoleon Dynamite, there will be a column on that, trust me. (I don’t think I’ve ever heard so many varying reviews of one movie, and that includes Rushmore, which I loved. I’ve heard that this movie is extremely funny, that it’s pretty funny but stupid, “it’s terrible but you’ll be quoting it constantly afterwards,” and “that is the worst movie ever made. If you like that movie, you’re moving out of the apartment.” Wow.)

So anyway, I think what I’m getting at is that this column will be about nothing. Larry David made 180 episodes about this very topic. One column shouldn’t be hard.

I’ve done a couple columns like this before, but I’m not sure if this will be the same thing. It might be. I’ll let you know when I figure out how I’m going to organize this column.

OK, first of all, I’ve decided to unleash the inaugural Anders Larson mailbag. That’s right, the best of all the email I’ve received over the last month or so regarding the site. So here goes nothing:


- “The blind kid is Billy in 4C (Apartment # 4C) not billy enforcee. Thanks”
A.F. from Hotmail.com


- Thanks, bro. Duly noted. Congrats on being the FIRST entry in the Anders Larson mailbag. Way to go, stud.


Nice. That went well. Again, thanks again to everyone (*cough* that was the only email *cough*) who sent me mail about the articles.

Anyway, moving on… I have one gripe I need to get off my chest. Please, can people just cool it with the word “ginormous.” It’s not that funny, and honestly, I think you’re doing Will Ferrell (from “Elf,” where the word originated, to my knowledge) an injustice here. The man has much, MUCH better quotes to his credit than “ginormous.” If “scrumtrulescent” came into vogue, I would have no problem. None whatsoever.

Now I guess I should just go ahead and get this out there: in a Jim Fassel-esque move, I’m going ahead and pushing all my proverbial chips to the center of the table. The Pen Is Mightier (our flag football team) will not lose this year. Period. Anyone who wants in, get in. Anyone who wants out, get out. OK?

(I like how I can throw in the word “proverbial” and it seems normal. I doubt there are any proverbs dealing with pushing one’s chips to the center of the table. If there are, let me know. I’m probably wrong. And I’m definitely rambling.)

And for anyone who can’t make it out to the water tower fields at 10 p.m. on Wednesday nights for “the greatest show on real grass,” there will be exclusive, totally biased coverage on my site. That’s right – we now have an actual timeline on the site. Every Thursday, the previous night’s game will be covered by none other than yours truly. Objectivity will obviously go out the window, but you’ll still get a pretty good idea of how bad we pummeled the team in a given week.

Moving on – and by the way, I’ve decided how to organize the article: I’m going to seamlessly move from one topic to another completely unrelated topic, yet I’m not resorting to bullets, to make it appear that this is not a “ramblings” or “musings” column – what exactly is the point of thefacebook.com? Someone asked me to put my name and picture up there, so I said “what the proverbial hell?” Within a week, I’m getting emails about various people I knew in high school and freshman year listing me as “friends.”

Now, I would say that I am friends with these people. But why do I need that listed on some website? I log on to this site, and immediately it tells me “you have 12 friends.” Is this supposed to make me feel good? Do people wake up in the morning, feel bad about themselves, then check thefacebook.com to reaffirm the fact that they are worthwhile people because they have “x” number of friends?

Of course, I have the option of rejecting someone as a friend. I’ll go ahead and say it: if someone refuses to even acknowledge you as a friend on thefacebook.com, you may need to do some serious reexamination of your life.

Alright, I’m going to do something a little unexpected now – I’m going to end the column. I know, I’m just starting to get rolling. But since we have a flag football game tomorrow, I need to go ahead and get this out there to advertise my coverage of the upcoming season.

So I’ll be back soon.

Besides, this isn’t a real column anyway. I’m just a guy with his computer, writing his heart out…


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