I finished up school last Friday, and a mere five days later, I’m already feeling the early symptoms of summer boredom. Afternoon television has already become intolerable. I think of dumb excuses like “I could really use a Vanilla Coke,” just to get out of the house for 10 minutes. I even started getting online just to browse away messages. These are mid-July-type symptoms, and we’re not even halfway through May yet.|
The most logical option, for me, at this level of boredom, is to write an article. In the past, this type of inactivity produced such gems as “Those Other Sports,” “Summing up Summer with Thumbs,” and “Golf Shots.” As I mulled over potential topics, I decided that I needed something really solid. My friend Thomas, another former (and maybe future) writer of meaningless internet articles, told me a few weeks ago that I was in a slump. And I have to agree. I had begun to take things too seriously, consciously trying to force myself to write “real” articles. After taking a step back, I’ve realized that no one reads my stuff looking for “real” articles. That’s just not the audience you get when your best articles are about washing dishes and shanking golf balls.
So I looked to my old stuff and quickly found inspiration. “Things That Suck,” my second column on the site, seemed unfinished. I only wrote about THREE things that suck. I figured that surely there were plenty of other things in this world that also sucked, and as I began to think about it, my suspicions were confirmed. Many, many other things suck. They just do.
And of course, it’s my job to write about them. Well, technically, I don’t have a job at all, as evidenced by the $15.01 in my checking account. Anyway…
First, a few things that suck enough for honorable mention:
Saturday Night Live – When you lose Will Ferrell, Chris Kattan, and Tim Meadows, and you bring in one of the guys from Kenan and Kel, you’re going to have problems.
Pop-up Ads That Move and Make Noise – These should be illegal. Surprised neither Bush nor Kerry has addressed this yet.
People Writing in Yellow Marker on White Posters – This is flat-out inexcusable. Don’t people figure this out in 1st grade?
Team Handball – According to my friend staying in France, this is really stupid. I see no reason to argue.
Pick-up Basketball “Heroes” – You know, the forty-five year old guys who always play skins, box out hard on every rebound, and dive for loose balls. Yeah, those guys suck.
Alright, now on to the big winners:
I don’t want to be Captain Obvious here, but Cold Pizza sucks. This has to be the worst idea on ESPN2 since Jim Rome decided to test Jim “Chris” Everett on live TV. (If you didn’t get that last reference, look it up on Kazaa. Trust me.) I just cannot figure out what demographic ESPN was trying to appeal to here. Sportscenter, still the cornerstone of the ESPN franchise and the premiere sports show on television, runs at the same time, so any real sports fans would have something much better to watch before they head off to work. The show runs until 11:00 am, but how many stay-at-home moms are going to turn down the likes of Diane Sawyer, Al Roker, Bryant Gumbel, AND Wayne Brady (yes, The Wayne Brady Show) for Jay Crawford and Kit Hoover? And even if they stumble across ESPN2, would they really be entertained by watching Jay Crawford force a smile for four hours while talking about the “Most Caring Coach” award and The Bachelor recap (two actual topics this week)? You’d think by this point he’d start trying to blink things in Morse code like “Any attempts to rescue me will be financially compensated.”
This might fall more into the “Things That Piss Me Off Personally” category, but the fact that the media continues to feel sorry for Kobe Bryant just sucks. The man is making $13.5 million a year to play basketball for a living, making another $12 million to tell kids to use Spalding basketballs and drink Sprite; so then he cheats on his wife and is accused of rape, and suddenly he becomes a victim because he has to show up late to a few games. How many people accused of rape even get to keep their job? This is a crime generally considered to be among the most heinous of all, a crime where the accused are generally presumed guilty and cast out as disgusting human beings. Imagine this situation if the accused was, say, Rasheed Wallace. Would he even still be in the league at this point? But hey, I guess we can let Kobe off the hook since he has so much “heart” that he’s willing to go to court and play basketball in the same day.
Anyway, let’s move on to something really important: those Tostitos ads with Dominique Wilkins and Bill Walton suck. I know, this might be a little out of date now, but you just can’t make commercials like that and not expect to get ripped by Anders Larson. Doesn’t happen. So they started with the commercial with Walton, ‘Nique, Kareem Abdul Jabaar, and Isiah Thomas sitting around “dunking” chips in a salsa bowl on the table, even giving the dunks goofy names like “The Two-Handed Thunder.” Can’t you see Walton using that in a game, but only after a dunk by some equally goofy white guy? “Todd MacCullough with the two-handed thunder! Throw it down, big fella!” Anyway, then ‘Nique dunks one and tells them to “get out of my house.” But wait… then he says, “No, I’m serious, this is my house. You guys gotta get out.” OH!!! It was a play on words!! Genius!! Anyway, that spot was so successful that they brought the gang back for a sequel, only this time it was on a basketball court. You know, one of those basketball courts where people go to eat chips because they have cups of salsa sitting on the front of the rim. As if that wasn’t good enough, they used the SAME EXACT JOKE at the end of this commercial, only this time Isiah said it and used the word “court” instead of “house.” If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it, guys. Well done.
And finally, this is something that has been bothering me for years now. I have had just about enough of people going on The Price is Right and needlessly overbidding when they have the last bid. The show has been going on for THIRTY YEARS! The formula is simple: if you are the last of the four people to bid on a prize, you either bid ONE MORE DOLLAR than one of the other contestants, or you bid ONLY ONE DOLLAR. Anyone who has either watched the show at least once before OR completed the fifth grade should be able to figure this out. Why is this so hard for people to figure out? The worst is when the people with the homemade “We Love You, Bob” shirts who say they’ve been watching for 10 years make this mistake. That’s like a personal affront to Bob. The man is trying to give away prizes here and these people WASTE HIS TIME with a bid like that?! Now that sucks.
So that about does it. I think I’ve pretty much covered everything in this world that sucks. Now I guess it’s time for me to go out and try to find a real job.
Man, this is gonna suck.