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It's Not Really My World Cup of Tea, But...

It’s Sunday, and we all know what that means: football... err, futbol!! It’s 6:30 a.m., and my alarm clock is going off at this obscene hour for the first time in a month. This is my first taste of live World Cup action, so I figured I would keep a log of the day’s events from the viewpoint of someone who doesn’t a) play soccer; b) watch soccer often; or c) profess to know anything about soccer. Shall we?

6:32 – Have you ever sneezed while you were peeing? This is a truly frightening experience.

7:00 – I have arrived at my friend’s house, and we cannot find the game on any English speaking network. Local ABC producers have apparently not awoken yet, and thus the game can only be seen on the Spanish Network. So, to recap, I’m over at a friend’s house at 7:00 a.m. watching Spanish programming. Needless to say, this doesn’t happen often.

7:05 – Ah, I’ve seen my first familiar face. Moby is officiating today’s game, and my friends tell me he’s a top-of-the-line official. I will say this: I haven’t seen much of the World Cup, but half of the highlights I’ve seen are of refs messing up calls. The pressure is on, Moby.

7:10 – No habla espanol, no habla espanol...

7:11 – Klose for Germany picks up a yellow card. It could have been a red, so this qualifies as a “Klose call.” (Note: That may not be funny at any time other than 7:11 a.m.)

7:13 – Brazil thwarts a German scoring opportunity and the Spanish announcers are going ballistic.

7:19 – Germany has another chance, but is denied. From my point of view, Germany is dominating play. Thankfully for Brazil, my point of view has no relevance.

7:22 – Ronaldo of Brazil misses a relatively easy shot to the dismay of Roberto Costas and Juan Madden (my new names for the announcers). This German goalie (Oliver Kahn), whom my friends keep referring to as “so nice,” is a scary individual.

7:26 – The Germans continue to flop after every Brazilian tackle. My question is, how can you expect anyone to believe you when you hold your shin? You are wearing a SHIN GUARD.

7:27 – Matt Damon has been spotted on the German bench, apparently disguised as German player Michael Ballack, who has cannot play in today’s game because of two previous yellow cards.

7:36 – Hungry... tired... some guy just got stepped on, that was pretty cool... hungry...

7:41 – It’s Vlade Divac!!! The name on the jersey says “Jeremies,” but he’s not fooling anyone.

7:42 – Brazil shoots just wide, inspiring an impressive “ooooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh” from Roberto Costas.

7:43 – Donuts!!!!!!!

7:45 – Brazil hits the crossbar. Brazil now leads in the “Larson thinks they’re dominating” category.

7:47 – Kahn makes another luscious save. The announcers are clearly unnerved at this point.

7:50 – We’re now at halftime, and the question of the day becomes “Which will be worse, Like Mike or Juwanna Mann?” The safe money is on Juwanna Mann right now.

7:55 – Mexican commercials are muy, muy bien! I’ve just seen an advertisement for a Spanish doubleheader featuring Cobb followed by Carrera de Locos 2. Personally, I always liked the original Carrera de Locos better.

8:06 – Back from halftime. Vlade with a blast!! Just wide...

8:12 – Neuville misses a shot just high and wide. Is it a rule that every time a soccer player misses a shot or scoring opportunity, he is obligated to wipe his face and run his hands through his hair?

8:16 – Kahn saves yet another shot. I’m now cheering simply for someone to score on this guy.

8:22 – A Brazilian player struggles mightily to put on his new jersey. He’s trying to play it off, but I noticed...

8:25 – Vlade gets injured, but within a minute he’s back. What a warrior.

8:29 – NOOBIE!!!!!! Ronaldo scores after the seemingly invincible Kahn boots an easy shot right back to him. If you’re scoring at home, that’s an E-6 and will go down as an unearned goal.

8:38 – Germany has subbed in two new players. The announcers tell us that either a) they’re both good players; b) they’re both bad players; or c) go Brazil! Germany sucks!

8:39 – Ronaldo scores. The announcers give us a series of rapid fire “GOOOALLL” calls, followed by “GOOOOAALLLLLLAAAASSOOOOOO!! ASO!! ASO!! ASO!! GOAL!!” Priceless.

8:40 – Kahn is pulling a Patrick Roy in game 7 of the conference finals. He’ll give up 4 more before the night is done.

8:43 – Germany nearly scores, but Marcos is making ridiculous saves like it’s his job. Ziege is now in for Germany.

8:49 – Pull the goalie!!!!

8:50 – The bus driver is warming up the bus. Ronaldo comes out as Brazil appears to be putting in the scrubs.

8:53 – Talk in the room is now turning to the Afghani soccer team. My friends Dave and Jonathan have concluded that it would be the type of squad to use Voit equipment and wear mismatched Spalding shoes.

8:55 – The game is over. The land of the free, the home of the brave is going... check that, Jack Edwards isn’t doing this game. Brazil is storming the field carrying an inordinate number of flags. This is surprisingly un-crazy. Kahn is distraught. The Korean media is mugging Ronaldo. The Brazilian scrubs are now writing goofy messages such as “100% Jesus” on each other’s jerseys. The Brazilians are making a huge circle... scary stuff here.

9:05 – Time to leave.

9:10 – Home. Sleep. Muy bien.

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